Back & Forth

I tend to go back and forth in my mind, over and over and over again about whether or not I'm doing the thing I'm supposed to be doing in life. At 42, I still haven't figured out the master plan. I still haven't figured out how to be that indie filmmaker that can actually make a living off of my talents. Do I know it's not a 9-5? Absolutely. Do I know that I don't have it in me to go into someone's office and schedule another meeting or a conference call for someone? Yup. Here's the thing though - I like really nice things. So how can I make that happen making movies on this here very independent level? I want to own a home someday, a few of my dream cars, a few dogs, lots of kicks and (more) books...how can I make that happen by the constant hustle of raising awareness and most importantly, money, for my art? The answer is: I don't fucking know. But what I DO know is...there's something to be said for putting the work in, getting up at 630am every day to ground myself and get it in. Meditation, yoga, laptop, Boxer. Emails. Conference calls. Creative calls. Strategy calls. Research. Script work. Edits. Cast changes. More calls. More emails. Interviews. The grind.

There's a part of me that wants to go to some far away island and hide out for a while because the work needed to make a feature film is...HARD AF. I'm physically, mentally and emotionally drained. I'm at the part of the process where every day I'm being tested in one way or another. This is the part that you don't hear about often. You don't see the tears of frustration on a daily basis. You don't see the multiple naps had from just being overwhelmed with it all, the constant conversations with self to try to talk yourself out of comparing your journey to others that you may have been in acting school with, or have casted in some of your former projects that are all doing amazing things. Or even the pep talks to try and convince yourself that you are "right where you need to be."

Also me: Katie why are you doing this? Because I need to. That gnawing feeling in my soul that just won't go away. It can be anything from seeing some art or hearing a conversation that moves me...that stirs that excitement back up - if it's for a moment, or for several. And it's nice when it happens. It feels good. It brings me back to the original feelings in the very beginning of writing the script, or even at the first table read. It was like "WOW, I'M REALLY DOING THIS."

I am. Doing this.

Today? So far, so good. Thank you for being on this journey with me. It means way more than you'll probably ever know.

km.